Finished Nursing---

This is a totally personal blog. One about me. It is an end of a chapter in this book of life that I am living. When I was a child I knew I wanted children. And, when I was finally blessed to have them, I relished all their “firsts”. Now, as we have had our last babe, I am saddened by some of the lasts. The last time she will wear that adorable pair of shoes, the last time that hat will fit. The last time she will swing in her swing. The last time I will use this or that. This Monday started out with my thought that I was on call. Had I known now what I didn’t know then, I may have taken more time. Isn’t that funny how we say that when we feel we have missed something? Last weekend I could not get Reilly to stop nursing to save my life. Now, she is done. Somewhere in this week, she has gone on “strike” and no matter what we have tried (the lactation consultants (2) google and me) she is determined to stop. Even in her deepest sleep she won’t reach for my breast any longer. To some this is like wahoo freedom, you’re done, 9 months to the day! Wow! To me, my heart is heavy and my eyes are sad. Emma went for 14 months, Zack 10 months. I was not ready for this; I was not ready to stop. I would have truly nursed her for over a year and more if that was what she wanted. I was ready for my last to be the best. Alas, she is the shortest.

My whole life I NEVER had a hicky until I had a baby. Then, I found them in bizarre places on my breast in the mornings. Larry would laugh at my sleeping arrangements, how I could sleep like this or that. Fall asleep with her nursing. I will miss that tug, the suck, the sweet soft burp of a full belly and her smile as she finishes or the way her finger curled around mine as I held her tightly to me as she ate. No, I won’t miss the breast pump or the times of having to stop somewhere to feed her in a crazy busy day. But, I will miss that strong sweet sleepy maternal tug that I had when I nursed her. That bond only she and I had, that I could be the only one to give her what she needed and for that matter what she wanted. *sigh* And, to top it off… she is now crawling! J